Why Do All Bands Turn Shit?

Words: Jamie Smith || Illustrations: Corinne Poggio

Your favourite band is shit. I’m not being offensive, it’s just statistically a fact. The vast majority of bands are shit and most that aren’t are only any good for a couple of albums, three if they’re special. But why do all bands eventually become shit?

British film director Danny Boyle (Trainspotting, Slumdog Millionaire, 127 Hours) reckons the first movie anyone makes is their best, an idea he got from his own father, who proclaims anything new he comes up with to not be as good as Shallow Grave. Could it be the same for music?

I reckon it’s a fair start to the debate. There’s a reason people love to talk about the best debut album rather than the best third album by a band. Debuts stand the test of time, they mark the first time the group has been exposed to the public. Critical reactions are remembered, foundations are set for later careers and yes, some bands never recover.

Let’s take an obvious example from British rock canon – Oasis. For a certain section of the population, Oasis were the best thing, let alone band, in the world for a time in the nineties. But after Definitely Maybe and What’s the Story, Morning Glory? they undoubtedly became shit. I quite like Be Here Now, but that’s only because you almost feel the amount of cocaine that went into making it in your own nose as you listen. Everything since is shit. Gak probably plays a large part of most bands becoming shit, come to think of it.

My own favourite band who went shit is Idlewild. Their second album proper, 100 Broken Windows, is probably my most-listened to record, but everything since The Remote Part has been utterly terrible. In their case, their shitness is due to a split in the band. Singer Roddy wants to do more folky stuff – and has explored that direction away from the band – while the others, judging by their live shows, want to bring back the rock. The ensuing mix of folk and rock is a horrible mess.

There are countless others. With some bands, you can even spot the exact moment in their recording career they became shit. Take Stereophonics. Most people would tell you it was Mr Writer, the song in which Kelly Jones foolishly slagged off the music press, who have retaliated in kind by giving his band’s increasingly diabolical records the kickings they deserve ever since. But I would argue their jumping the shark moment was even earlier. It’s on Performance and Cocktails, after T-Shirt Suntan, which is their best song. Everything else since that? Shit.

Feeder became shit after Echo Park. Muse became shit after Origin of Symmetry. Arctic Monkeys went shit after Favourite Worst Nightmare. Snow Patrol became shit during Final Straw. Primal Scream have been shit since Screamadelica. The Streets became shit after A Grand Don’t Come For Free. Biffy became shit after Puzzle. Bloc Party and Franz Ferdinand only made one good album each. It’s not just British bands. Foo Fighters – shit after One By One. The Strokes – shit after Is This It. Kings of Leon – shit after Youth and Young Manhood. Interpol – shit after Antics. I could go on. And on. Razorlight have always been shit. That’s not relevant, it’s just a fact.

You might think my “became shit” moments correlate with the band suddenly selling millions of records. You’d be right. That’s because the public likes shit music; look at the charts. Look at Coldplay. Look at U2. Two abysmal bands, two of the biggest sellers of all time. You know I’m right.

The only band who don’t fit into my nice little theory is Radiohead. Radiohead are complicated. This is because they started shit, became amazing (The Bends, OK Computer), went shit , then became amazing again with In Rainbows. Presumably, awful records are on the way to continue their cycle. You’re lying if you say you like Kid A and Amnesiac, they are physically unlistenable and nobody believes you anyway so give up pretending.

So who is your favourite band? If they’ve been around for a few years, the chances are they’re shit now. You know it deep down. But it’s okay. All our favourite bands are shit.